Breaking Dawn: Part II Review: Needs more Decapitations

You see this, blogosphere?  I do this for you!  I went alone to a movie theater, bought a ticket for Breaking Dawn: Part II in full public view, and stayed for the entire thing.  If that isn’t love, I don’t know what love is.

Its… All… OVER!!!!

It’s never been any secret that I am not a Twilight fan in the slightest.  Admittedly I’ve only seen the first film and now both parts of Breaking Dawn, but between the horrible acting, god-awful writing and the amount of pandering the films do to their target audience I’ve never seen any reason to give the films another chance.  However, I have a new personal rule that I will see every movie that tops the box office from now on and seeing as Breaking Dawn: Part II is on it’s way to over $140 million this weekend, I had to fulfill my sacred duty.  In a surprise twist, however, it ended up not being the cinematic torture I had expected it to be.  Instead, I found myself laughing harder than any in any movie I’ve seen all year.  Breaking Dawn: Part II is a ridiculous finale to a ridiculous franchise, and while a good half of the movie is just as terrible as you’d expect it to be, the rest is filled with an uproarious amount of unintentional humor that made it more than worth watching for me.

The Plot:

Direwolves > Werewolves any day

Oh boy, where to begin.  If you haven’t been following the series yet, the movie makes very little effort to get you up to speed.  Regardless of the rest of the supernatural Soap Opera that came before, here’s what you need to know for Breaking Dawn: Part II.  Bella (Kristen Stewart) is a newly turned vampire, having just been bitten by her husband Edward (Robert Pattinson) to save her life after giving birth to their vampire/human hybrid daughter, Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy).  Along with Werewolf/underwear model Jacob (Taylor Lautner), Edward

TMCS: Too Many Character Syndrome

and Bella raise their daughter in the peace and quiet of their Northern Washington coven with the rest of the Cullen Family.  Unfortunately, cousins Irina (Maggie Grace) is a bit of a dullard, and tells the Volturi, a sort of Vampire Ministry of Magic led by Aro (Michael Sheen), that Renesmee is a dangerous abomination known as an Immortal Child, and the Volturi mean to cleanse that abomination form the earth.  In order to help convince the Volturi of Renesmee’s innocence, the Cullens set out to gather their blood-sucking friends from around the globe to support them.

The Players:

Do the Creepah!

Thankfully, the Bella-Jacob-Edward love triangle is no longer the focus of the series at this point.  Unfortunately, where the cast of Harry Potter managed to improve their acting skills over time, the cast of Twilight has either not been able to do so or not made any real effort to.  I will admit, I have a decent amount of respect for Robert Pattinson, if nothing else because on many occasions he has publicly denounced his role of Edward in the series and stated that he’d like to put it all behind him.  The respect can’t be echoed with either Stewart or Lautner though, as both are just as wooden and (pun intended) lifeless as ever.  In Lautner’s case this is especially problematic as his “imprinting” on Renesmee (who is about 8 for the greater part of the film) just comes across as really, really creepy.

We get it already, our girlfriends all want to sleep with you. Good luck being anything but “That Vampire Guy” after this

Breaking Dawn: Part II is about more than these three though, for better or for worse.  The movie jams a huge amount of characters in, and while some of the Cullens are more bearable than others (Ashley Green, for example is much less laughable as Alice than Kellan Lutz is as Emmet) and at times I found myself almost liking Carlisle (Peter Facinelli), but the rest of the characters felt more like an excuse to let the movie Globe-trot a little.  We have stereotyped Amazonians, Russians, Irish, Egyptians, and more, and the broad cast gives many chances to say “Hey, that’s that one guy/girl from that one thing!” but none of those characters were given any development beyond their nationality.  That being said, I love seeing Lee Pace (Pushing Daisies) being so busy lately between this, Lincoln, and the upcoming Hobbit movies.

Random Comments:

It’s movies like this that make it impossible not to make comments.  As I was alone, here are some I would have made while watching the movie.

– Some sort of digital effects were added to baby Renesmee that made her really creepy to watch, i.e. Uncanny Valley creepy

– Aro’s high pitched laugh/exclamation when he meets Renesmee is about as silly as his Drum-Major inspired garb

– The amount of decapitations in this film is outstanding, Game of Thones level even.  Apparently this is the proper way to dispose of a vampire, but it was so over-the-top gruesome that it made me majorly crack-up during the would-be-serious climactic battle.

– I really hope the scene in which Jacob reveals his lupine nature to Bella’s Father (Billy Burke) was intended to be funny, since it nearly gave me a headache with how far it made my eyes roll up into my skull

– The “Vampire Running” scenes are just as silly as ever, reminding me of a live action roadrunner cartoon set to a clumsy green-screen background

– I heard a lot of complaints from people who have read the books about how there wasn’t even supposed to be a final battle like the trailers suggested, rather a simple truce between both sides.  I think that even those people will be satisfied with the way the movie handles things, as it goes a way that lets the audience have its cake and eat it to.  Which I also found hilarious

The Verdict:  6.0/10  Passable

I expected to hate this movie.  Instead, I think I may have found my new favorite comedy of the year (Sorry, Ted).  I know that avid fans of the series who love certain characters will be more invested in their fate, and the things that I laughed at might strike them as emotionally wrenching rather than amusing.  From a cinematic perspective, the film doesn’t do much of anything to correct the faults of previous entries in the series, but it does add just enough so that the casual viewer might find something to keep them interested.  Just as a warning, the first half of the film is still truly awful, but once you get through it I’m confident the last hour or so will keep you much, much more interested in what’s going on in front of you.

Other Reviews:

Amon Warmann @ CineVue:  3/5

About r361n4

I'm a student at the University of Washington Majoring Business. I've always loved movies and my goal is to work on the financial side of the film industry. Until then though, I figure I'll spare my friends from my opinions and shout them from a digital mountaintop for anyone who's interested. After all, if a tree falls in a forest and nobody blogs about it, does it really happen?
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8 Responses to Breaking Dawn: Part II Review: Needs more Decapitations

  1. Great review, man. Had a good laugh reading this. Lee Pace, Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning are far too talented to be in the Twilight series, though.

  2. Mark Hobin says:

    Saw this yesterday. You were too kind. Ha ha. One of the worst films of the year. Look for my review on Wednesday.

    • r361n4 says:

      I’m never one to defend Twilight, and seeing as the laughter was not intended by the filmmakers I might be tempted to agree with you. You’ve got to admit though that it was at least better than the crap contained in the rest of the series though…

      • Mark Hobin says:

        It’s just a continuation of the last film, which was shot at exactly the same time and cut in half. I absolutely hated Part 1, so it’s kind of in a tie for worst film of the series for me.

        Eclipse was my favorite.

      • r361n4 says:

        I actually haven’t seen Eclipse, I’ve heard relatively positive things though so I’ll probably have to give it a try. I do agree that Breaking Dawn: Part 1 is by far the worst in the series though. Not even in a funny way

  3. Pingback: Rorschach Awards Part 2: The Categories! | Rorschach Reviews

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